A Proper English Tea Gathering
by PrinceHamlette
Summary: Alucard wants to throw a Tea Party. The ace of Hellsing gets the urge to do something nice for once. Too bad it might end up giving food poisoning to the Hellsing Leaders.
1. Invitation to the Tea Party

A Proper English Tea Gathering.

Master Integra Fairbrooks Wingates Hellsing.

It is with great honor that I humbly offer you an invitation to a gathering of the formal kind tonight and the hour of nine. It is with great esteem that I wish to have a proper English tea gathering catered to the honorable members of the Hellsing Organization.

Your Servant,

A.

She stared at the little card in her hand. It seemed innocent enough just sitting there on her desk when she first woke up. Perhaps she thought it was a gag from her servant or an apology of some sort concerning a certain man whom was the leader of a certain group based in Rome. Never, ever, had she expected this.

"A proper English tea gathering…. _gathering_…."

How queer that her pet would use 'gathering.' She lifted an eyebrow at it half daring it to say something like how she was a still the same silly little girl that fell for everything only to then blow a raspberry at her. It, of course, did nothing. The writing was like fine English, the red cursive was impeccable, even the way her pet sealed the card, with a fine black ribbon sealed with red wax was too perfect to be true. She stopped her thought process when she heard a slight rapping on the door.

"Enter…" Her tone was surprisingly not cold but distracted… almost intrigued.

"Sir Hellsing…" Walter said softly, "Breakfast?" Before she could say anything he set down a neatly placed tray on her desk with her breakfast and a stack of morning mail. He bowed and was about to leave when Integra's voice stopped him in his tracks.

"Walter…." She held the card between her pointer and middle finger so the butler could clearly see it, "Did you receive one of these?"

He fixed his monocle on his face and looked closely at the little piece of fine paper. "Why, yes I did, ma'am. Odd little thing to wake up too." He pulled his own almost identical letter out of his vest pocket. "Signed dearly, A." He chuckled at the words. "'A'… Referring to himself like the old ways hm?"

She snorted, "It seems he has a need bake all of a sudden." She cracked a smile at the butler and poised a cigar ready to be fired, on her lips. "This is absolutely bound to be fun. Lets see what our dear friend 'A' will do."

The old butler smiled, his eyes glinting almost knowingly of Alucard's mischievousness. "I can only suppose so, milady. Gathering…. A 'proper' English tea _gathering_…." He laughed to himself at Alucard's choice of words as he left Integra to her office.

oOo

French Pig,

Tea, 9 p.m., be there.

Alucard.

Pip sat on the edge of his bunk and stared at the little card in his gloved hand. He frowned at it and held it up to the light half expecting it to eat his face off. The little card stared back innocently as he set in on his knee to whip a cigarette into his mouth and light it almost as fast. Again, he held it at eyelevel and read the contents over with his one eye.

"Merde… Just from ze sounds of it…. Ah flis de pute…. I think he wants to poison me with bloody tea…" He groped around his bunk for his hat, not daring to take an eye off the little card. Finally, the hat was found and put in its rightful spot on the Frenchman's head. He leaned back against the simple metal frame headboard and replaced his burnt out cigarette with an almost completely burnt piece of toast.

"Maybe… Yah I think its because I pinched ze Police Girl's ass…." He said to no one in particular. "Non… I've done zhat before and only got a black eye…." But before he could finish reasoning with himself, a call from outside cut into his self-conversation.

"'Ey Captain! I tink somethin's… broke… out 'ere!"

He smiled and sighed letting the beautiful but rare morning sunlight wash over him for a split second before his work started.

"Don't castrate yourselves! I'm coming! Dieu…. Debiles…." He chuckled as he set the little card onto the table by his bed, flung his jacket over his shoulders and marched out to the shooting ranges.

oOo

Seras twitched in her sleep, mumbling things about a spirit of some sort attached to her gun and perverted ghouls lead on a march by a certain Frenchman and floating red Victorian trench coats wanting to know the time. She grumbled as a fine piece of paper slid near her closed eye. A huff as she woke up to grab the offending piece of paper and throw it out of the coffin. That is until she saw the fancy writing on it dedicated to her.

"What is this….?" She held the little letter in front of her face trying to ward off the effects of being so rudely woken up.

Servant Police Girl,

Tonight at the hour of nine, it is my pleasure to invite you a most proper English tea gathering, hosted by myself.

Your Master,

A.

P.S. Try to look not so much like a tart.

Seras looked at the note, or more specifically the little P.S. at the end. She glared at it. Sometimes, she thought to herself, Master could be just so mean! All of a sudden she felt a link open in her mind and Alucard's voice whispered though. Its only the truth Police girl, he said in her mind, even your off-duty clothes are very… how can I put this… _revealing. _She could practically feel the face splitting grin just through his words.

"Peh…" The little card fluttered to the floor as far away as she could throw it from her coffin, which was not very far at all. _Pathetic…_ He left her with a chuckle and an overwhelming feeling of doom if she decided to disobey her Master and not show up.

oOo

He took in a panorama of the kitchen and threw is red trench and black suit jacket over a nearby chair. Carefully, he also removed his stark white gloves and set them on top of the pile of jackets. He had seen how messy dearest Walter had gotten in the past making these silly little treats. That's why he wore his not as good pants. He clapped his bare hands together and smiled manically at the cupboards like they were his favorite enemy.

"How lovely this gathering will be… Let us see… What does the sweet Queen have at her tea gatherings… No… What at the Queen's tea gatherings does _Master_ like…?" He racked his brain bringing up a perfect mental picture of all the things on the long table and the select things his Master had placed into her china dish. "Bisqettes… cookies… little sandwiches… cakes…. a lot of little cakes…" He frowned at the cake idea. "Muffins… pudding… scones…. strawberries… Seems easy enough."

Or so he thought until he opened the cabinets wide and stared at their contents with shock.

"What is all of this…?" He slowly glanced over every container and to his horror the cabinet went back about a foot and a half with at least five, wide shelves in all holding more cooking and baking supplies then he had seen in the last five hundred years. And this was only one cabinet. Out of perhaps fifteen or more.

oOo

Just a little something that came to me one day… I thought it was pretty funny idea… Alucard… baking. Ha.

Preview:

He pulled out a few tiny boxes with the words JELL-O written on them. He looked inside to find a sort of powdery substance. It looked right so he threw it into the bowl along with the cheerios, peanut butter, heavy cream, actual flowers, un-bagged tea leaves, a pinch (or perhaps more like a fistful) of every spice in the cupboard, grated cheese, diced pears, chocolate sauce, and last but not least ketchup. Tons of ketchup.

This was going to be the best cake ever.


	2. Shrubbery

A Proper English Tea Gathering

Chapter 2

It took awhile but Alucard eventually found Walter's recipe box. He held it up level to his face and gave it a good long stare. The face of the box stared right back at him. "How am I supposed to get the recipes?" He placed it gently on the countertop and tapped it with his finger, expecting it to tell him the ingredients. He'd seen Walter with little cards that the box produced that had the recipe clearly written on them. But how to get the box to produce them…?

"Let's see… I want the recipe for 'cakes.'" He watched the box. When it did nothing, he frowned at it. "I want the recipe for 'CAKES.'" He said a little louder. He gave it a close peer and he could almost taste the fear rolling off the recipe box. He was getting to it. Soon it would bend to his will. But in that close peer he saw a tiny lip that he had never noticed before.

"AHA!" came his laughter as he ripped open the box's lid and saw all the little cards that were neatly placed in alphabetical order. His long fingers neatly shifted through the cards until he found one marked 'cake.' To his dismay, almost the whole section designated 'C' was full of cake recipes and cookie recipes. He had to go back in his memory and look even closer to what his master put on her plate. "Chocolate sponge cake… lemon frosted lemon cake…" His face screwed up in disgust as he remembered the taste of the lemon frosted lemon cake (she'd given him a piece just to quiet him with his constant questionings). "Okay… so… no lemon frosted lemon cake."

He sifted through the rest of the cards, pulling out things that sounded like it would belong on the table of a most proper English tea gathering along with the ones he'd decided his master would like the best. When he had them placed out neatly on the counter top he went to the cupboards with the first recipe in hand and started to pull out the ingredients needed. "They basically all have the same basic ingredients… sugar, water or milk, eggs, and this flo-ur." He had no clue what this flour stuff was only that it was very poufy and got over everything and was quite white in colour. "Flouuuer… flou-ER… fffffflour… flower?" An idea popped into his mind. "Flowers! That's it! Ground up flowers! Why didn't I think of that?"

With that, he grabbed his overcoat and made his way outside.

oOo

"Alright! Now, zhat we 'ave figured out why zhe guns weren't shooting… forgot to turn the safety off," that last part was mumbled under his breath, "Lets get going zhen!" Pip heaved a sigh and thought to himself, 'ow could zhese men… forget such a basic rule when it comes to weaponry!?

Pip marched up and down the training field, watching as his men shot at the cardboard cutouts of Nazis holding hostages.

"'Ey boss man! Look!" One of the soldiers called out pointing to the gardens close to the training field.

"Hm? What!?" Pip and the rest of his men turned to see Alucard smelling a daisy that bobbed in the breeze. Pip couldn't help but snigger, he could only hope though that Alucard couldn't hear him. He really liked living.

"Oi Monsieur Aluca--" His witty comment was cut short when Alucard opened his mouth impossibly wide, all of his fangs glinting in the sunlight and then snapped his mouth shut around the daisy. All of the Wild Geese flinched back and gathered behind Pip. A laugh started low and deep in Alucard's throat and came to peak in maniacal, blood curdling cackle. The mercenaries backed up even more. Pip was absolutely horrified, not that eating flowers was horrifying or even that Alucard had eaten one. No, it was the fact of the _way_ he'd eaten it that was absolutely horrifying. The evil laughter only made it worse.

"YES!!" Alucard boomed as he ripped the entire daisy bush out of the ground along with all the roots. "Master will LOVE this!" He walked inside the mansion with a sadistic, face-splitting grin plastered on his face, holding the daisy bush arms length away from him with the roots dangling sadly, dropping bits of dirt along the way.

"Capitan…."

"Qui…"

"He ripped out an entire shrubbery… with one hand… with one motion…." Said one soldier.

"Q-Qui…"

"It would have taken three men and a few hours to take out that shrubbery…" said another.

"Q-Q-Qui…"

"I think I've soiled myself…" said a completely different soldier.

"… What?"

"Nevermind…"

oOo

Back inside, Alucard had taken to grinding up the daisies at super human speed. Okay, so the powder wasn't completely white… and wasn't really a powder but more of a really chalky paste… but that's okay, it still got all over the place.

"Now!" he said clapping his hands together. "Lets make this cake."

He went over to the cupboards again and pulled out a few tiny boxes with the words JELL-O written on them. He looked inside to find a sort of powdery substance. It looked right so he threw it into the bowl along with the cheerios, peanut butter, heavy cream, the flower paste, un-bagged tea leaves, a pinch (or perhaps more like a fistful) of every spice in the cupboard, grated cheese, diced pears, chocolate sauce, and last but not least ketchup. Tons of ketchup.

He liked the way the ketchup looked; it reminded him fondly of blood except it was tangier tasting rather than the all too familiar coppery taste that he loved. And then it dawned on him. That's what he was missing! Blood!

He took the medical packets that were designated for his dinner tonight out of the refrigerator but, he decided they'd be better in the wonderful mixture for his cake. So in went the blood. He gave it a whiff and smiled to himself. The recipe card called for it to go into the oven for fifteen minutes on 360 degrees. The cake was put shoved into the oven and the temperature turned up.

This was going to be the best cake ever.

And in that same fashion he went on to make scones, and cookies, and bisquettes, and shortcakes, and tarts.

oOo

…and lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu—oh… thank you for all the vonderbar-ful reviews, comments, watches, and such.

Preview:

"Do you love it, Master?"

"Oh Alucard….. Its….. its….. I don't know what to say….. (except its gross)"

"What?"

"Nothing."


	3. Screaming Kitchen Machines

A Proper English Tea Gathering

Chapter 3

Walter sat on the large staircase in the front room of the mansion, sighing sadly with his head resting in his hands. His monocle slipped down his nose for the fifth time and he gruffly shoved it back in front of his eye. He thought letting Alucard make a nice treat for Hellsing would be wonderful but he came to find out that, that idea was sorely mistaken.

Bangs, mechanical screeching, and loud thumps came from the direction of the kitchen along with "What does this do? -SCREEEEEECH- …oh…" Alucard must have taken everything mechanical out just to see what it would do. Oh, his beautiful pasta machine… what pain must it endure!

"Hey Walter!" came a familiar call. Seras walked over to the depressed Walter. "Hey… What's wrong?"

"Can't you hear those horrible sounds, Miss Victoria?"

"Oh… well yeah that's why I'm up." Her face fell at the very thought of waking up so early. "What _is_ it? I can't even get a wink of sleep."

Walter heaved another sigh and shoved his monocle back up his nose. "Did you not get that note?" He held his note up for her to see.

"Oh yeah…." Her face fell again, "Walter! You let Master into your kitchen!? Is that who its been all this time!?" It finally dawned on her.

"Oh, Miss Victoria! I thought it was a wonderful thing he was doing! I didn't even think about how he has no clue how to cook."

"Walter… He might blow up that side of the house! He has no clue how to work an oven, or anything for that matter!" She grabbed his hand, almost breaking it and bolted off towards the kitchen. Maybe they weren't too late. Maybe they could salvage _something_ from the wreckage.

oOo

"Interesting… When I put stuff in the holding chamber up here… and I press this button here…" He watched at the pasta machine struggled to create little round pieces of pasta with his mixture for the cookies. All of them were perfect and quite even in size too. It was fascinating what humans could make machines do these days. "Alright, while you do that," he said to the pasta machine, "I will start with the fruits. Master loved the fruits. Especially the strawberries." An evil grin came over his face; he's heard of the joy humans get with strawberries when they're doing other things with them besides eating them.

He couldn't help it, he just had to taste one before he cut them to pieces. The little strawberry's green top was pinched between his fingers and held above his head. His long tongue wrapped around the little thing and pulled it into his mouth. "I can see why humans love these so much." He spit out the green top. "That part's gross though."

"I need a cutting utensil of some sort." Red eyes peered around the kitchen until they landed on the overly large butcher's knife. "Ah. Perfect." His pale fingers wrapped around the blade's handle and he hoisted it up into the sunlight with ease. It's glint matched the glint in Alucard's eyes. "Now, now little strawberries…" He could almost he them whimper and scream for mercy in the basket, "My Master wishes to eat you but you are much too large to put in her dainty mouth." The blade, which was almost the length of Alucard's arm, was hefted above his head and brought slamming down into the strawberry basket on the counter.

The strawberry blood splattered everywhere making the kitchen look like World War 3. It was beautiful. But quiet sticky.

"Master!!" There was a thump against the kitchen door. Alucard sighed, Police girl liked to ruin his fun. He mocked her using a high pitched screech that he deemed sounded like her at times, "That's not nice, _Maaaaaster_; you shouldn't do that, _Maaaaaster_, they're only humans, _Maaaaaastaaaahhhh_." He regained his normal voice, "I'm doing this party for you. Well… actually I'm doing it for Integra, but you were invited. Stop complaining." Once again he heaved the blade over his head and slammed it down on the strawberries, spurting strawberry blood everywhere.

Else where in the kitchen, the oven was going, pots and pans were overflowing what looked like slime and pus onto the stove, the counter and the surrounding floor, a blender being controlled by one of his shadows spurted yellow-red goop all over the place, the pasta machine screamed in agony as it was barely able to punch out the 'cookies,' a Mixmaster was mixing what looked like a combination of blood, mini wheats, hot sauce, egg shells and toothpaste to make scones with.

And in the middle of it all was Alucard, covered in strawberry blood and actual blood, with little pieces of egg shells in his hair, holding up the giant butcher's knife, laughing like a maniac.

oOo

On the other side of the door, Walter broke into a cold sweat. "He's….. He's killing my babies!" He said in stunned horror. Seras watched as Walter's monocle slid from his face and dangled on the tiny string connected to his vest that held it from falling to its death.

"Master please let us in!" She pounded her fist on the door as softly as she could, she didn't want to break it.

"Nooooo, Police Girl." Came his muffled, sing-song voice. The cries of the kitchen ware grew louder.

"Master I really need to talk to you!"

"No you don't. If you really want to talk then open a mind connection."

She needed a way to get him to open the door. "Walter's dieing!"

"No he's not."

"Sir Integra's dieing!"

"No she isn't."

"Oh!! Ooh!!" She was really starting to get nervous. "Look Master! Its Anderson! You know how you love to kill Anderson over and over! Right, Master!? RIGHT!?"

"If he wants me he can come and get me." Seras covered her mouth as an image sent to her from her master, flashed in her mind. She almost gagged at the thought.

"MASTER, THAT WAS REALLY GROSS!!"

"Good. Now, go away." This time the blade went through the countertop and he managed to chop off almost all of one leg and half of the other. "Oops… Wow… that's really sharp."

"Master, what did you do?"

"I accidentally chopped off my legs… There all fixed." He went back to chopping.

"Walter," Seras turned to him only to see his hands covering his face and his hair starting to fuzz and become disheveled. His shoulders were heaving as he was fighting back tears. "I… I-I-I think we should tell Sir Integra. Walter? …Walter?" His head bobbed up and down a little bit. Once again she grabbed his hand and dragged him to Sir Integra's office.

oOo

"Sir Integra!!" Seras burst through the doors, startling Integra who sat at her desk, sucking the life out of a cigar, rubbing her temples with her pen poised over a stack of paperwork. She looked up at the intruders and was about to order them away until she saw who it was. "Officer Victoria… what in God's name is going on?" She slammed down her pen and tapped the cigar free of the ashes that balanced on the end.

"Its… Its Master!"

"I could have guessed that."

That's when Walter piped in, "He's destroying my kitchen…"

"As in literally laying waste to it?"

"Yes, Sir. He's" air quotes "cooking" end air quotes "for the tea party tonight."

"Cooking!? You actually trusted him with the kitchen!? ALONE!?" She turned away and looked out over the land that the Hellsing Manor owned. "We're lucky he learned how to use a gun…" she said softly to herself. She turned around to face Seras and Walter with a very large frown on her face and proceded to call her infamous war cry,

"ALUCAAAAAAARD!!"

"Yesssss Master?" Alucard's head came up from the middle of her desk which she was not happy about seeing as he had various cooking ingredients on his face and eggshells and other objects stuck to his hair. She glared at him. "Get out of my desk." He quickly complied.

He stood before her covered in way to many things to name but his shirt was ruined beyond repair and his pants, even though they were black, were covered in stains and patches of goo. "You called, oh Master of mine." Integra rubbed the bridge of her nose and looked at her servant out of one eye. There was silence for a long time except if something happened to fall off of Alucard's person, like an egg shell, and fall on the floor.

"Would you mind telling me what in bloody hell are you doing down there? And wipe the bloody smirk off your face, servant."

His smirk turned to an overjoyed smile rather than going away, "Wanna try one!?" Before Integra could refuse he'd already left and came back with a tiny scone in his hands. It looked almost perfect. Now they all were really confused.

"I…"

"Just try it…" He moved the papers out of the way and placed the little scone on the bare part of her desk. "I made it myself, Master." Gingerly, she picked it up between two fingers and looked at it, almost the same way she'd looked at the invitation. She expected it to come to life and try to run away or bite her finger. It didn't. Alucard leaned over the desk and watched her every movement with wide red eyes. "They're really good, trust me." Integra took a deep breath and bit in.

"Do you love it, Master?"

"Oh Alucard….. Its….. its….. I don't know what to say….. except its gross" that last part was murmured under her breath.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"It's not done yet but I'm still working on it." He shifted around a little bit waiting for her to swallow. Integra knew that's what he was staring at her for so she pretended to swallow and gave her pet a forced grin. "You can go back to your baking, Alucard." He looked at her, smiled that she'd used his name, and walked out the doors passing a trembling Seras and Walter.

As soon as he footsteps faded away, Integra instantly bolted out of her chair and over to the window, threw the pane of glass open with all of her might and spit the piece of scone out the window. "Bloody Hell!" She threw the uneaten part of the scone out the window as well. She turned to Walter and Seras, knowing they were still there. "That… was the …_ grossest_ thing I've ever tasted in my life."

"Milady, what are we going to do!?"

"Master is going to make us eat that stuff! Why didn't you tell him it was gross!?"

"I just didn't have the heart to tell him his cooking was terrible…"

"Yet you can tell him that he's a monster and can shoot him until he's a stain in the carpet but you can't tell him that his cooking it horrendous?"

"Don't preach to me Officer Victoria. At least he's trying."

"Sorry Ma'am."

"What's the time?" She looked at the grandfather clock on the far wall. "Five-thirty… Lets just humor him, shall we? Now, I have papers to do. Thank you Walter, Officer Victoria." She nodded to both of them and delved back into her paperwork. They stepped out of her office and looked at each other in terror. Suddenly there was a small explosion and it came from the direction of the kitchen.

oOo

:D This one is longer than I thought it would be. Just got a little carried away.

Preview:

They looked at their plates in silent horror.

"Go on… eat it." Alucard smiled genuinely, actually expecting them to eat the stuff on their plates.

"I don't know if I can…" Pip said meekly.

Alucard turned to him slowly with the fires of hell in his eyes and a very angry frown on his face. "Eat. It."

Pip flinched away.

"Or I'll eat you." Alucard snapped his teeth.


End file.
